Day 3: Awareness from the days gone by.
There have been many generations of women that have been taught to “keep the dirty laundry” at home, to keep the home fires burning, to just brush it off because he has had a bad day, or to let it go because he is “just under pressure from work”, or to take on ALL the responsibilities for the household except for earning the living so he can be well rested for work the next day.
Let me be plain about this – these are all tools of control. Sadly, they have been taught to other women as truth (or just the way life is), and they are generally the ones that use it on those of us that cry out in pain from the abuse, feeling trapped, and like there is no way out. I can not tell you how many times I cried out in pain seeking answers from other women and heard “it is best if we don’t talk about things like that, I am sure you will forgive him soon and it would be best if others did not look at him with such disregard”, or I received the tuned out look and the “uh-huh”.
There has been a long list of women over the years who have not been allowed to work outside the home, have their own checking accounts, or unfettered access to the family money. I shudder to think how long women have been kept in chains without even knowing it. Now do not get me wrong. I have heard of women who are happy at home and have no problems with being handed an allowance, who have been treated well, and can see the check book or financial accounts any time they ask.
However, there are others that have no clue what the family finances look like, or what investments if any, have been made. They are totally dependent on whatever he does. That to me is scary. What if he dies? Where would you go? What is the first place you would look for a will or life insurance policy? For anyone who this strikes a bell for I suggest two things: One, that you have a heart to heart with your spouse about revealing the family accounts, and whose name(s) are on them and what kind of access you have to them; Two: I recommend that you look up a woman named Suze Orman and get busy with her Will & Trust Kit. Click here for a link. If you are in a healthy relationship, your spouse will likely cooperate with you and help you fill out or obtain the information outlined in the kit. It will give you a good basis for understanding what you need to know. If you spouse inquires as to why all the interest – let them know that you are interested in both your futures, and would like to be able to be an equal partner in all aspects of the relationship. If he continues to withhold information or brush you off, then pursue the information with caution, and due diligence.
If you receive the “you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about that,” or “don’t worry it has all been taken care of” express your interest again by asking more questions. Again, use your wisdom. You are more aware of your own situation, and your top priority is to stay safe. Seek professional help if you feel it is necessary. Remember this information is about what I experienced and the wisdom I gleaned. You are responsible for your own choices and decisions.
To read yesterdays post click here. To start with Day One click here
In the game of emotional abuse one of the objectives is to dominate and control. You have heard the old saying that money is power. . . consider the power you have over your own life when you have access to money. What I experienced is that without it you have little choice to leave the game, and the resulting factor drains the life blood right out of you.
It is time for us to rise out of the darkness and into the light. This is my journey. May it bring you peace, and hope on your own journey, and as always make wise and safe choices.
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Big Hug,
Deanna