Day 4: Waking up.
I think one of the most challenging things about emotional abuse is waking up. What I mean by that is emotionally becoming aware that you are being abused. It was especially challenging for me because I has always considered myself a strong person, a person that did not put up with other peoples feces. But somewhere along the way that person fell asleep at the wheel as it were, or perhaps traded somethings for other things, or just got caught unaware and became trapped. I really don’t know at this point what happened. What I do know is that one day I woke up to the realization 5 days out of seven I was stressed to the max at my job, and on the weekends there was no relief. In retrospect I was so stressed out by my job that by the time I got home I was too exhausted to care, and I was too busy griping about the drama at work to notice. It was on the weekends that I needed a rest, some TLC, and an outlet. Once I realized that I began to feel empty.
It is amazing how the human consciousness will take certain memories and file them under warehouse 13 – snagged, tagged, and bagged: never to be accessed again. While other memories ~ they linger and are just as real as if they are happening all over again. From a spiritual perspective, those memories hold energy that can be cleared and release; however, from a psychological standpoint they have to be worked through and made peace with. The emotional self esteem has to be rebuilt.
So at one point I decided it was time to become less stressed at my job, and begin to build a home life that was more nurturing and satisfying. It was not long after that that I reached out to my significant other to begin to build a relationship that was to be based on love and respect and centered around interesting conversation, not on discussing the drama of work.
I remember asking him about something and we ended up in an argument about something that we both had very different perspectives on. I do not remember now what that something was, but I do remember that I was very annoyed because it became more about meeting in the middle or even agreeing to disagree than it was about the object of the conversation. I was so frustrated. It made no sense to my why a person would so strongly hold onto being right at the risk of alienating the other person; further, why they refused to agree to disagree.
What did occur to me was that no matter how much energy I put into creating a middle ground that we could agree on, the ground became like quick sand. It soon became apparent that any sort of resolution was nothing more than an endless moving target. That is when I first decided that it was time to leave, and that is when the cycle of abuse began.
It is time for us to rise out of the darkness and into the light. This is my journey. May it bring you peace, and hope on your own journey, and as always make wise and safe choices.
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